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Tag Archives: Oprah

O-mnipotent in Pink

Yesterday I raced through traffic, screamed over speed bumps, charged through stop signs to get home in time to watch the season finale of Oprah. My sister always tells me that she comes on Channel 1,027,382 at other times of the day but I don’t know how to work the Rogers remote and there is something about the 4:00 Oprah Hour that is almost sacred. When my kids were babies, the Oprah Show was their feeding hour, a half an hour on each boob. Long after they were weened, I’d lactate at 4 whether I was watching Oprah or not. Zing! That is the sensation that the let-down of lactation makes, it’s Oprah o’clock! Otherwise now known as cocktail hour. Double zing!

Anyway, yesterday, Lorraine came over as she by divine intervention has the week off and is able to watch the final 3 episodes. We had champagne and shared a box of Kleenex. “I thought you hated Oprah,” said my daughter. I have been known to bust Miss O’s balls on a few occasions. She is only human after all. The whole James Frey scandal made me crazy. “His memoir is a big lie!” she said. I wrote her a scathing letter years ago: All memoirs are “lies.” Do you think Jeannette Wells didn’t take a few liberties when writing “The Glass Castle” since she would have to remember events and dialogue of when she was a toddler? I think she ruined James Frey’s life in the worst possible way in that she made him famous, then took it all away by humiliating him. I boycotted her show for a year after that. See you next Tuesday, Oprah! But I eventually got over it. I’m not sure her recent two part interview with him was redemption but it was better than leaving him to rot in obscurity. She has the power.

When she interviews people, she interrupts by finishing their sentences in order to move on to the next topic. This is because she is one of those know-it-alls that you knew when you were in school. You could just tell she was one of those kids who, 20 seconds before the bell, would put up her fucking hand and ask Teacher a question that would take 5 minutes to answer because she keep the questions going while everyone else was going squirrelly.

And I am suspicious of excessive amounts of generosity. There was a woman at my gym who would do the most over the top things on other people’s birthday. She once walked into a full spinning class with a lit birthday cake for someone she hardly knew. Everything was always done in front of an audience. All this “giving” this and that, is it more about achieving notoriety? Look at me! Then look under your chair, there’s a chicken pot pie! A pair of Uggs! A Volkswagen Beetle! A school in Africa! Don’t get me wrong, she’s done great acts of philanthropy but she looooooves the accolades.

Why is she the only one who appears on the cover of “O” Magazine? Why doesn’t she call it “Eg-O” Magazine?

And if she is all about truth, why is maintaining the lifestyle lies of the certain couch-jumping, airplane-flying Scientologists that appear regularly on her show? Is she one of them?

Or is she the second coming of Jesus? WWJD with a wagon load of lard? Doubts he would be parading it on a tv soundstage wearing high-waisted Calvin Klein jeans. He’d probably fry lentils in it and serve them to the lepers in the cave colony. Jesus wins.

So she’s not the second coming but she is a force, that’s for sure. The finale was perfection, down to the pink dress which by the way was designed by L’Wren Scott. It went over like a sermon that included the things she learned from the guests she had on her show. And no, my child, I don’t hate her. I’m only critical because skepticism is my nature and blogging about it is my game. And isn’t that what Oprah wants us to do? Be our best selves and find our forum to spread our energy around. Yo, I listened and learned. So from now on,when 4 o’clocks zings by, there’s going to a big void! God knows I won’t be watching OWN because it is on those baffling upper channels I don’t know how to find to save my life. I’m going to miss you, Oprah!

Guess What, Chicken Butt? I Got A New YouTube Sensation

03 Mar

I don’t really enjoy children that much. Yes, I have two of them and I can say from experience that the old adage is true. Children are basically like farts, you can stand your own but others cannot be tolerated. And who am I kidding? Even when my own kids when were little, I wanted to hide from them and light a match. In my previous post, I described my daughter as ‘Satan’s spawn.” My son was no cake walk either , he had some piss and vinegar running through his veins. His tantrums were legendary, ask any crossing guard in the East End. You could never get him from Point A to Point B, but when finally got him to Point B, he never wanted to leave. He’s going to make a difficult husband for some poor woman, I just know it. Anyway, now both are teenagers and you’d think they be even worse but they are totally cool. They are actually people that I want to hang out with (but not necessarily together because they squabble like an old married couple).

Yesterday, Oprah featured a show on young ”talent.” and I am using that word loosely in particular with Willow Smith, who was her cohost. She has a new song out and you can see her perform it here (but why would you want to?). Her best trick is swinging her head around like she is giving herself shaken baby syndrome. Do it. And it seems like there’s a new child YouTube sensation every week that we avid television viewers must contend with. They are like pimples on the face of media. The Bieber aside (because he is awesome), most of these “sensations” need to just do their homework and wash their hair (I’m looking at you, Simon Cowell’s latest cash cow). And Lady Gaga needs to get out more is all I will say about her little mini-me.

And speaking of kids on YouTube and parent pimps, here is my son, Freddy’s latest short film entry for The Sprockets Children’s Film Festival this Spring….he won first place last year in his age group (mama pride! It was just like he won an Oscar). He is the future Quentin Tarantino (they have the same birthday). Enjoy:

A Prelude to Valentine’s Day

11 Feb

A message to Barbie: Just be done with it.

I was blissfully unaware that Valentine’s Day was coming up until this morning when I went on my Facebook that I have kind of neglecting recently because Twitter is where it’s at these days. People on Twitter are self absorbed, narcissistic whiners and braggarts with very little to say because they only have 140 characters in which to tweet. I love them so. Don’t get me wrong, I still *like* my Facebook, and all my “friends” but sometimes people’s status updates are truly horrific. Today, for example, one of my friends had this to say:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU…“

Seriously, a man posted this. Furthermore he got 6 thumbs up for it and one woman commented: `Where do I find this man? I`ve been looking all my life…LOL!` So I counter-commented something like: `He`s the new talking Ken doll from Mattel, he retails for $39.95.` She ignored me and wrote another comment: “ Oh, (Facebook User), I wish I had a man like you, your wife is so lucky! LOL!” Yes “LOL” is right! Is it just me or can you see the subtext in this guy’s status? I think Dr.Phil would have a field day on the hot seat with this dude. Let’s analyze it sentence by sentence:

“He calls you beautiful instead of hot”: This means he is probably having sex somewhere else. A sunset, a BLT, a covered bridge in Madison County are beautiful, too, and he is not boning either of these things.

“…who calls you back when you hang up on him, “ : Why did you hang up on him in the first place? Go with your instincts. Oprah will tell you that.

“…who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat.” Creepy.

“…who will stay awake just to watch you sleep”: Yeah, so he can sneak downstairs and make a phone call.

“…wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats”: Red flag! Red flag! This is the most dangerous of them all! You realize, you, in sweats, are not hot. He doesn’t think so either and nor does he want anyone else to. Control freak.

“…holds hands in front of his friends.”: That one is sort of cute but caution to all PDA, it is often just for show or like marking territory.

“…Constantly reminding you how much he care for you and how lucky he is to have YOU.” Constantly? Who is he really trying to remind?

I’m not tying to be a big Valentine’s Scrooge but let’s just say I have your back. If he seems to good to be true, you probably made him up in your head. I’m not too worried my “friend” is going to read my post, he’s probably too busy rubbing petroleum jelly on his wife’s feet so she slips in the shower later on. Here is the new talking Ken Doll, by the way:

3 Comments

Posted by Kristin Peterson on February 11, 2011 in go girl, This Charming Man

Tags: Barbie, Dr. Phil, Facebook, Oprah, Sweet Talkin' Ken, Twitter

Kristin’s Quest for Organic-ness

25 Mar

I was watching Oprah the other day and she had Alicia Siverstone on via Skype trilling about her new book and her vegan diet. There is so much to analyze about that sentence starting at the beginning: I was watching Oprah the other day….Yes, I watch Oprah and I am always going on about how she has jumped the shark * but I still like to watch it, 4 o’clock is pre-cocktail cocktail hour, I’d probably even watch The View if it were on at 4….and she had Alicia Silverswtone on via Skype…what the hell, why are all her guests on via Skype nowadays? If I were invited on Oprah you better bet yer arse I’d be there in person, why are her guests so lazy? or is she too cheap to fly them out there and pay for their stay at the Marriot?…anyway Alicia trilling about her new book and her vegan diet…First, I am sure Alicia (Clueless) Silverstone probably didn’t actually write this book, most likely she had a ghost writer. I’d like to be a ghost writer if anyone has a boring story that needs embellishment, call me…and she’s a vegan…ugh, vegans. The first vegan I ever met in my life was a woman who was friends with some people I knew and she would bring her own millet burgers to their barbeques. She would have a fit if her sawdust patties touched the grill that a steak touched. Why was her millet trying to mimic meat? I murmured to myself. She put it in a bun and put ketchup on it. It made no sense to me that she demonized dead animals on a grill and then eat food with the texture of cremated gym towels. Dumbo….anyway, fast forward 15 years and back to Alicia Silverstone on Oprah…she had some points, maybe it’s a good idea to eat less meat, and more organic produce. Actually I think “organic” is a misused term, everything is pretty much organic, even a fruit loop. I think they should specify “pesticide-free” but I will just say organic but just know that I am not fooled. Anyway, she seemed happy and sparkly(my eyes are whiter! she proclaimed) and most importantly, not bloated. She had me there. Bloating should be tauted the new black and I will be Miss It. So why not try to eat more mindfully? So I started at the grocery store. Even Loblaws has a millet section as well as the option for organic dairy and meat. I got rice that took an hour to cook and made scraping marks on the pot after I cleaned it. I made vegetarian chili out of beans and more beans. So far my daughter is liking it, teenage girls all seem to go through a vegetarian phase. Not the boys though, they are always pepperoni-centric….my son’s friend came to sleep over for a few days and he brought some underwear and a baggie of luncheon meat. After a week, I have to admit I noticed some improvement, a little less bloated, clearer skin. So I decided to finally pay a visit to the mecca of organic eating in the east end, otherwise known as The Carrot Common on Danforth near Chester. In all my years of east end living I have never actually been in the The Big Carrot, which is the grocery store in the square. I have heard rumours of $30 free range chickens. I needed to see if it was true.

Thankfully there was no need to be frightened. The store itself was like any other grocery store with aisles and checkouts and cash registers. For some reason I was expecting the floor to be made out of dirt and hay with goats running around. It was nice and clean and the free range chickens were all plucked and covered in plastic (and NOT $30, between $8-$12). There was a bulk section with bins of millet (!) and other organic grains. Organic bananas were 99 cents a pounds, which is kind of high. I’m not really sure all things need to be organic though, bananas have peels so who cares if they are sprayed? Eating Well website gives a list of items that are good to get organics and others that don’t matter so much http://www.eatingwell.com/. I didn’t buy anything there though….it all seemed so beige. I like the colourful aisles of Loblaws with boxes of poptarts, chips ahoy, and flourescent orange sports drinks. I did like the atmosphere at The Big Carrot though. It’s very quaint. There was a Community Board full of posts about colon cleansing…. it’s like what it would be like going into Ike Godsey’s General Store in the Walton’s. I know when I’m old and delusional I’m going to be confusing my real life memories with episodes of the Waltons and Happy Days….and speaking of Happy Days * the term “jumping the shark” comes from that episode of HD where the Fonz water skis over some shark in a desperate attempt to keep the ratings up. I think any time Oprah mentions or has Tom Cruise on her show, she is jumping the shark. Anyway, this healthier eating is best done a little at a time but one thing for sure, I will never eat a millet burger!